A friend of mine once told me she was very discerning about who she decides to date.

We were sitting in a Moroccan lounge at a festival in France, talking about life and people we've met. She shared a kind of framework. She watches how someone treats service staff. How they behave around people they have nothing to gain from. She pays attention to the difference in tone, in posture, when someone meets a person with power versus someone perceived as “less important.”

She notices how they treat their friends. How they talk about their families. How they behave when no one is watching and there’s no social incentive at stake.

Because early in dating—or even in friendships—people often present their best selves. There’s something to gain. Connection. Intimacy. Dopamine. The warmth of another human body. The high stakes of potential.

And with that comes performance.

Someone may treat you kindly when they are not actually kind. They may show interest when the interest is a tactic, not a truth. They shape-shift to meet the moment. Just like we often do in jobs—fitting ourselves into roles we don’t enjoy, but that pay the bills.

Maybe relationships sometimes follow that same pattern. The need for sex, validation, companionship—so we mold. But that’s the danger.

And that’s where discernment becomes so powerful.

When you're looking for a partner—or even just a meaningful friendship—you want the connection to be clean. Not transactional. Not based on what you offer them. Not based on what they think they can extract from you.

relationships ≠ transactions

A quick critique of the idea that “every relationship is a deal.”

Some people say it’s all just exchange. You offer value, I offer value, and that’s the trade. And sure—technically, there’s truth in that. We all seek mutual benefit in some way. But that framework misses something essential.

Love, loyalty, real connection—at their best—exist outside of economics.

Some of the people I love most are wildly different from me. They don't “offer” me much, at least not in a professional, transactional sense. But they are my people. We’ve built something deeper: history, trust, presence.

We love each other for the sake of loving. Not because we’re useful to one another. Not because our relationship is an efficient deal.

Even if you can technically break anything down into an exchange, that’s not the soul of it.

watch how people move in the world

Maybe the takeaway is this: observe. Watch how people behave when the stakes are low. When there’s no power dynamic. When they’re not angling for anything.

We may never know someone’s essence, but we can infer character through behavior. Not to test, manipulate, or treat others like experiments—but to stay awake to the kind of energy we invite into our lives.

Relationships shape us. Choose wisely.